Sometimes, the English language - in all of its vastness - just doesn’t seem to capture the full meaning of something. As an avid writer and deep ponderer of life, I frequently challenge myself to seek new vocabulary to appropriately articulate what I am trying to say. The term ‘selfish’ is something I have been reflecting on as of late. It doesn’t seem to capture the multi-faceted nature of putting ones needs above those of others. Sure, there are times this word accurately represents someone’s actions. But the pursuit of self-interests does not always equate to a complete disregard for others.
Why is it that the act of prioritizing ourselves is deemed ‘selfish’? That word is so charged with negativity. Am I ‘selfish’ - as it is widely defined - when I choose to stay in on the weekend and do a five step skincare routine? Is it selfish to take a rest day from the gym I pay asinine fees to be a member of? Is someone whispered about as selfish when they recognize they’re discomfort in any given situation and choose to remove themselves from it, regardless of their absence’s effect on the group? The answer to all of these is emphatically no, but ‘selfish’ is often the next best option, and leaves much to be desired.
Rarely, if ever, so we use the word to give credit to someone for putting their own needs first. What an act of courage to acknowledge, label, and pursue with great ferocity the things we want most. What an act of love for yourself and your relationships to set healthy boundaries and bravely tell others what you need.
I don’t feel as though ‘selfish’ really honors such important endeavors. I have been considering alternate words for the brighter side of being ‘selfish’. And let me tell you, it is not easy coming up with new words for things with already deep rooted and widely accepted meaning. I needed to take things apart in order to rebuild. I ideated for weeks. The core of being selfish is to put yourself first. It is founded on values like honesty, compassion and patience. What adjective or verbs described something adjacent to these qualities? Furthermore, what word could be used to describe the ever-evolving and layered complexity of identifying and prioritizing ones needs?
What I landed on was Soul-gardening. Hear me out:
The soul is like a garden. It is a living breathing organism that evolves, grows, and has the amazing power to create life. It is a garden when it blooms, just as it is a garden when it withers and dries out.
Like a garden, the nurturing of a soul takes gentleness, discipline and patience. Regular tending, pruning, fertilizing, planting to lead to bountiful blooming, harvesting, pollinating. It changes with the seasons and relies on dormant periods to kill what no longer serves it and grow back stronger.
To properly tend a garden, we must identify its needs. If your plants can’t take full sunlight, then you must seek out shade loving varietals. If you are living through a drought, focusing on water schedules and soil enrichment is paramount. Have bugs that won’t stop gnawing at your blooms? Invest in some natural repellents to not-so-subtly tell them to bugger off.
This concept can very much apply to the soul, to what some deem as selfish pursuits. Saying no to activities and environments that don’t serve you. Turning inward and doing things that restore your vitality. Communicating your needs and boundaries will repel pests. (It is worth noting that the beings that love and respect you will not be repelled by such things.) These are all acts that should be described with language that is uplifting and inspiring rather than that which instills guilt and shame. Does a gardener feel guilty for pruning their flowers? Or for harvesting vegetables to make a delicious meal? Of course not. They become better gardeners that grow even more vibrant fruit.
How to Soul Garden:
It takes a sense of knowing who you are to establish your true needs. The journey of self discovery is lifelong. We are not the same over the course of years and years, and the same can be said for our wants and needs through different seasons of life. Spending time getting to know yourself and your heart is the the key to figuring out what your soul desires. This requires solitude, which can be hard for some folks, including myself for a time. However, once you have spent a great deal of time with yourself, you can begin to formulate your own hierarchy of needs to feel seen, heard, understood, whole.
Being kind to yourself and recognizing that your needs are as important - if not more important - than the needs of others is even more difficult (I see you, people pleasers.) How can you be the best version of yourself - or simply live a life! - without investing in your own health and happiness? How are we expected to serve others when we ourselves are running on empty? This is why we put an oxygen mask on ourselves before we put one on someone else. The tricky part is that once we figure it out what we need and what conditions are best for us, we sometimes find ourselves at a divide in the road where we must make hard choices. These choices lead to the forming of boundaries that will help you keep your tank full, and they will simultaneously show you the true colors of others and may result in a loss of some of the relationships you once had in your life. Sometimes we outgrow people, just like plants outgrow their containers. And that is entirely ok.
And then we must uphold these very convictions vigilantly. Weeds, pests and disease can cause detrimental harm when a garden is left to its own devices. It is far easier to have a beautiful healthy garden when you tend it a little each day or two. Observing and assessing your environment and who you surround yourself with should be done regularly, making adjustments as needed. As our roots and branches spread deeper and wider, our needs evolve. We develop new interests and curiosities, and shed outdated patterns and behaviors. The things that fill you up and make you feel your best should change with the seasons of your life. This is the way of the garden, and how our flowers are able to come back to vibrant life and take new form each year.
So next time you catch yourself - or someone else for that matter - referring to your maintaining of boundaries or pursuit of making choices in your best interest as ‘being selfish’, kindly let them know you are simply tending to your garden for a bit. Only you know what your garden needs, and there isn’t a thing anyone else can say or think that can change that. Take care of yourselves, beautiful flowers.
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Side note: after pondering this topic and writing this post, I discovered a book called Soul Gardening: Cultivating the Good Life by Terry Hershey, which I have yet to read (this was one of many interesting books with similar titles, this one seeming the closest to my thoughts.) I just ordered it and intend to read it to see how their version of this concept stacks up with my ramblings. Should make for an interesting follow up piece…
Love this so much! Thank you for your wise and absolutely perfect choice of words. Will read this often as a reminder!